Something we hear normally in the black and brown community is that it takes a village. And although the complete idea of this concept is amazing, in reality this mentality has left many in our communities exposed to sexual and physical abuse.
I am all for the idea of a family village raising children together. But it is important that the people you are including into your children's lives are not still operating in their trauma. If someone sat by while anyone was abused verbally, sexually or physically and they haven't made peace with that and acknowledged that they allowed abuse, then they are not a healthy part of a village. From listening to so many people and doing healing sessions I see that we are all trying to patch up wounds attained from unsupervised moments with predators.
Whether these predators are family friends, brothers, cousins, fathers, mothers, uncles, grandfathers or mothers that trauma is real. Its really sad that this is a known thing in our communities and families yet the children weren't and aren't protected. Let me just be transparent really quick. In 2017 I began writing my book Adventures of Becoming Your Mother, which required me to look at ALL my life and how I got to the very spot I am. But in the process of doing this I found myself for the first time seeing my real wounds. And let me tell you the last few years have been a trip and have completely made me shift perspective and hold those accountable. I have spent most of my life trying to say my truth, while not disrupting someone else's, even if that meant I would be placed at a disadvantage. But the more my girls grow up I realize I don't want those people in my life period, nor comfortable with my children.
Unfortunately in my family no woman would stand up for me, and because of this, a lot of others in my family never spoke up about their abuse. But on top of this not speaking up most of my abuse came from family members whether sexual, mental, verbal and physical. I literally was demonized for speaking up at a young age, whether about molestation or about the things I saw and was told inappropriately; so I ended up behaving in a redeeming way most of my adolescent life. Behaving like I owed something to my family for loving me so I provided all the hair needs, grooming needs, babysitting needs, etc., just to feel like they wanted me around. This reaction to my abuse, allowed it to continue but one thing about me is I rather build my family then be a part of one that is broken.
I asked GOD all that I want is confirmation that they all knew and that I wasnt crazy. And guess what ! Man the last 12 months I have been given opportunities to talk to people and all they said was "it happened to me too, I'm sorry, I knew". This gave me the courage to tell my truth and not care how it affects others. I have no ill will and if telling my truth hurts them then they should have moved different and they wouldn't be so hurt. I am ready to start The Adventures Of Becoming Your Mom series.
So I say this to say if you feel alone, shamed, or simply trying to move past you hurt, know you aren't alone. You are strong and will receive your balance but you have to claim your strength.